


THIS IS THE TALE OF DOUCHESCAR AMPORA

by herongale



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Filk, Gen, Humor, bullshit, for ten and kori and nora, gift "fic", i'm sorry guys, starring karkat as troll michael bolton, the lonely island song parody, unchecked idiocy, you complete me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herongale/pseuds/herongale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Tavros: uHHH, kARKAT WE'RE REALLY GOING TO, uM, nEED YOU TO FOCUS UP]</p><p>So, yeah.  This is a filk (read: parody song re-write) of the song Jack Sparrow by The Lonely Island, feat. Michael Bolton, starring the above-mentioned trolls as the various singers.  IN THEORY I could have written out the whole magnificent story idea that goes along with the fic, e.g. there is a music competition between trolls and humans, girls and boys... and this would be the troll dudebros' performance piece.  Pretend I wrote it out with the humans and troll ladies whooping it up in the audience.  </p><p>That would have been admittedly sweet, but I'm kind of in a hurry here.  So, just listen to the song (linked below), close your eyes, and imagine what might have been.</p><p>Wow, that sure was awesome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	THIS IS THE TALE OF DOUCHESCAR AMPORA

**Author's Note:**

  * For [1010nabulation](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1010nabulation/gifts), [Fujiwara_no_Seimei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fujiwara_no_Seimei/gifts), [NarwhalTortellini](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarwhalTortellini/gifts).



> It might be a good idea to CUE UP THE STRICT BEATS and open the following You Tube video in a separate tab: [Jack Sparrow, feat. Michael Bolton](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI6CfKcMhjY), by The Lonely Island. It is, after all, the sum totality of what this filk is about. 
> 
> Anyway, this atrocity is a present for Ten and Kori and Nora, since you guys, I love you guys. <3

Dramatis Personae: 

Putative Leader, Lead Singer, and "Hero": Karkat Vantas  
Shadowy Secret Overlord and Master Slacker: Sollux Captor  
Creative Beat Director and Head Lyricist: Tavros Nitram  
Spiritual Advisor and Chill Backup Lyricist: Gamzee Makara  
Supporting "Hero" and Lead ~~Critic~~ Dancer: Eridan Ampora  
Props, Pyrotechnics, and Reluctant Backup Dancer: Equius Zahhak

playing Troll Lonely Island: Tavros Nitram, Gamzee Makara, and Sollux Captor  
playing special guest diva, Troll Michael Bolton: Karkat Vantas  
playing backup dancers displaying various levels of irritation with the guest diva: Eridan Ampora, Equius Zahhak

THE SCRIPT: 

 

Secretary (Equius in back): D--> Gentlemen, Vantas is here 

Tavros: oH GREAT,  
Tavros: sEND HIM IN,

Karkat: HEY NOOKWHIFFS  
Gamzee: HeY hO mOtHeRfUcKeR  
Gamzee: tHaNkS fOr CoMiNg

Karkat: I'M LATE, DEAL WITH IT. GOT CAUGHT UP WATCHING THAT PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN MARATHON. HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE IDIOT FILMS?

Tavros: oH YEAH, YEAH,  
Tavros: tHOSE ARE KIND OF GREAT,

Karkat: WELL, I LISTENED TO YOUR "SICK BEATS" AND THEY ARE NOT INTOLERABLE. SO I WROTE YOU THIS BIG AWESOME HOOK YOU MORONS HAD BETTER DIG, "DOGGS." 

Tavros: wOW, THAT'S GREAT, AND UH,  
Tavros: aWESOME,  
Tavros: sHOULD WE JUST LAY IT DOWN? }:D

Karkat: SHITSTAINS? LET'S GET TO IT. 

Gamzee: (HeRe We Go)

Tavros: uNGH, LONELY ISLAND,  
Tavros: rOCK HERO KARKAT,

Karkat: YEAAAHHH!

Gamzee: (ThE nIgHt StArTs NoW)  
Tavros: tOGETHER ON THE TRACK, tHE BROS ARE BACK,  
Gamzee: (ThE nIgHt StArTs NoW)  
Tavros: nIGHT STARTS NOW BB ROLL WITH US, cLUCKBEASTS SNAPPIN AT THE NECK, wHEN WE ROLLIN UP,  
Karkat: FUCKING ROLLIN UP!  
Tavros: oKAY, bLOW THRU THE DOORS, aIN'T NO HOLDIN' UP,  
Karkat: ~~YEAH~~  
Tavros: jACK NOIR AT THE BAR, hEH, lIKE I GIVE SOME FUCKS,  
Karkat: COME ON  
Gamzee: BiTcHeS sHiFtY eYeD wHeN wE wAlK iNtO tHe SeT, sHiT mOtHeRfUcKeRs LoOkIn JeAlOuS dRoPpIn RhYmEs LiKe KaRkAt  
Karkat: FUCK THAT  
Gamzee: FaYgO iN mY wAiSt, ShAnK iN mY sOcK, yOu EiThEr GeT cUt, GeT cUlLeD, oR gEt ShOt

Karkat: THIS IS THE TALE OF DOUCHESCAR AMPORA, POSEUR SETS SAIL ON THE FIFTY SEAS.  
Sollux: lol what?  
Karkat: A MAGICAL QUEST TO THE ISLE OF SOME DICKWAD, PURPLE LOCKS SWAY ON THE OCEAN'S BREEZE.

Tavros: yEAHHH, tHAT WAS KINDA WEIRD, bUT WE'RE BACK IN THE CLUB,  
Tavros: lAYIN DOWN THE BEATS, sO THE BITCHES SHOW US LOVE,  
Karkat: SPIDER PSYCHO!  
Tavros: mOTHERFUCKING PUPA PAN, i'M THE TOP CAPTAIN HOOK CULLER,  
Tavros: rUFIO KICKS ASS, hE'S MY NUMBER ONE RHYME RUNNER,  
Karkat: AMPORA!  
Gamzee: WaTcH iT MoThErFuCk CuZ i AiN't YoUr "MiStEr NiCe GuY"  
Gamzee: MoRe LiKe "MeEt Ya TaKe YoU hOmE aNd CuLl YoU tWiCe GuY"  
Karkat: PAP SHOOSH!  
Gamzee: AlL fUcKeD uP wItH nO hOmIeS tO cLuB  
Gamzee: AnD nOw I fEeL nUtS wItH nO fAyGo To ChUg  
Karkat: NOW BACK TO THE SANE PART!

Karkat: FROM THE DAY HE WAS SPAWNED, HE YEARNED FOR SWAG CONQUEST  
Sollux: noo  
Karkat: DUMB ERIDAN GIVING BITCHES WHAT FOR.  
Karkat: HE'S THE DOUCHELORD OF THE SURF  
Sollux: uh huh  
Karkat: THE TOOL OF LOWAA (pronounced LOW-WHOA-AH)  
Sollux: god  
Karkat: BUT IS WILL SMITH'S SICK SICKLE WHAT LIES IN STORE?  
Eridan: no wway come on kar

 

Gamzee: ThRoW yOuR cLaWs In ThE aIr AnD sAy FuCk YeAh, CoMe On  
Karkat: DUALSCAR DOUCHE  
Sollux: what  
Karkat: FUCKING ERIDAN  
Sollux: no  
Tavros: fROM THE FRONT TO THE BACK, sAY WE COUNT STACKS, cOME ON,  
Karkat: AHAB'S GUN  
Sollux: nope  
Karkat: GOD ORDINANCE  
Sollux: wrong  
Tavros: uHHH, kARKAT WE'RE REALLY GOING TO, uM, nEED YOU TO FOCUS UP

Karkat: FUCK THAT, LET ME TRY WITH ANOTHER DOUCHE

Tavros: wAIT,

Karkat: LIFE IS A SHITSWARM OF ARROWS AND MY NAME IS EQUIUS  
Sollux: not better  
Karkat: THOUGH I'M THE "STRONGEST" TOOL IN THE SHED, I GIVE ROBOTS ALL MY LOVE  
Sollux: ehehehe KK come on  
Karkat: FINE, THEN I'M A DOUCHEBAG COOLKID, DAVE STRIDER IS MY NAME  
Sollux: whoa lol god no  
Karkat: SHIT THEN YOU CAN CALL ME EGBERT, GOING SHITHIVES ON NICK CAGE  
Sollux: clo2e enough

Karkat: I _SAID_ , PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX!

Karkat: THIS IS THE TALE OF FUCKING JOHN EGBERT  
Karkat: "NO HOMO" LAME, BONEHEAD BULGE TEASE  
Gamzee: (TaKe It HoMe!)  
Karkat: GOT AN ECTOBIO SISBRO, HER NAME IS JADE HARLEY  
Karkat: WHO'S MAYBE NOT AS DUMB AS SHE MAKES OUT WITH HERSELF TO BE!

Sollux: oookay, turn2 out kk ii2 a major iidiiot, er lol, ciinephiile  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU. I COMPLETE ME!

**Author's Note:**

> ... Karkat, are you high?


End file.
